


The 'V' in SVT stands for Vape Lords™

by chanchanslide



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: +joshua likes to eat plain tofu, ITS RATED TEEN FOR A REASON, M/M, Oops, The Author Regrets Nothing, Why?, because hes joshua, chan read fifty shades of gray and now he thinks that hes the shit (he is), chat fic, dont read if u hate disgusting humour, i've changed the tag to mature because it's a little more vulgar than i thought, soonyoung tried to trademark the term 'penetrate', the one and only home of the jihoon bullying squad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2018-02-24
Packaged: 2019-01-29 23:33:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 8,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12641568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chanchanslide/pseuds/chanchanslide
Summary: stalemint:wow i love being the coolest person heredeoderantslut:soonyoung what the fuck





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Seungcheol: babysitter  
> Jeonghan: Roombamama  
> Jisoo: Slipper  
> Junhui: Juicer2000  
> Soonyoung: stalemint  
> Wonwoo: itsbritneybitch  
> Jihoon: deoderantslut  
> Seokmin: hipbone  
> Mingyu: naenae  
> Minghao: Pussyslayer69  
> Seungkwan: Kwannie  
> Hansol: mixtape  
> Chan: fifty

-  **Babysitter** _added 12 people to the chat -_

_\- everyone is now an admin-_

**Babysitter:**  ayyyyyyy :D

**Juicer2000:** ew seungcheol what the fuck  
 **Juicer2000:** don't babysit us that sounds like ur going to sexually harass me :(  
 **Juicer2000:** I don't want ur dick up my ass

**Babysitter:** no junhui don't get this twisted

**Juicer2000:** im calling ur mom ur disgusting Cheol

**Roombamama:** seungcheol dont rape the kids

**Babysitter:** D; I'm hurt

****- **KimMingyu_97** _changed their name to:_   **naenae -**

**naenae:** hold on why is seungcheol raping jun

**Roombamama:** mingyu honey mommy and daddy r getting a divorce  
 **Roombamama:** plus ur adopted jihoon was actually a teen mom

**naenae:**  what

**deoderantslut:** jeonghan wtf 

**Roombamama:** i was angry so dont worry jihoon is sterilised now to prevent more mistakes  
 **Roombamama:** oh hi jihoon

**deoderantslut:** I- okay then

**stalemint:** who came out of whos womb

**Juicer2000:** apparently mingyu came out of ur boyfriend

**stalemint:** oh?  
 **stalemint:** congrats to me then i guess im a father  
 **stalemint:** :0 can i make dad jokes now?????

**Babysitter:** no no there's no need for that im 99.9% sure mingyu is my son

**stalemint:** seungcheol ur a homewrecker + jihoon why did u sleep with ur dad thats gross

**deoderantslut:** no i've been on the Maury show its soonyoungs son dw babe

**PussySlayer69:** i am shooketh  
 **PussySlayer69:** he first time jihoon calls soonyoung babe and its in the same sentence as 'maury show' 

**Babysitter:** no soonyoung dont worry i dont like jihoon i have two boyfriends already

**Slipper:** ayop

**PussySlayer69:** no jisoo dont say that

**Kwannie:** ok what have i missed

**Juicer2000:** scroll up u asswipe

**Mixtape:** u wanna fite junhui  
 **Mixtape:** respect my man or taste my fists

**Juicer2000:** they both leave a nasty taste in my mouth so whats the difference

**deoderantslut:** gasp

**fifty:** gasp

**PussySlayer69:** gasp

**Babysitter:** gasp

**Slipper:** gasp

**stalemint:** gasp

**Roombamama:** gasp

**naenae:** gasp

**itsbritneybitch:** gasp

**hipbone:** gasp

**Kwannie:** gasp

**Mixtape:** u better be quiet

**Juicer2000:** thats what i said to ur boyfriend last night

**Babysitter:** oh m y go d

**Mixtape:** choke

**Juicer2000:** thats ur boyfriend did on my dick

**Kwannie:** i feel uncomfortable and disgusted

**deoderantslut:** at least ur mom didnt sterilise u

**Kwannie:** i feel violated 

**Mixtape:** >:^(

**Roombamama:** dont worry seungkwan at least u didnt have to drop out of school like jihoon

**stalemint:** he didn't?

**Roombamama:** shh its okay we dont have to talk about his teen pregnancy

**Slipper:** every day we stray further from the light  
 **Slipper:** at least jihoon didn't abandon Mingyu like Jeonghan did to Chan

**fifty:** what

**Slipper:** pack ur bags kids ur going to an orphanage

**fifty:** i hate my family :'(

**deoderantslut:** cum and live with me channie

**fifty:** u want me to cum?  
 **fifty:** um soonyoung ur boyfriend is trying to rape me :((

**stalemint:** its okay kid

**hipbone:** can i be the weird uncle

**itsbritneybitch:** DK WHAT THE FUCK

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Chat:** **Penetration™ Squad :D**   
_itsbritneybitch, stalemint, Juicer2000, deoderantslut_

00:21

**itsbritneybitch:** jihoon why r u yelping in the bathroom

**deoderantslut:** ow :(

**Juicer2000:** lubrication before penetration my dudes  
 **Juicer2000:** i assume thats whats going on because otherwise it hurts like a bitch

**deoderantslut:** no ew

**stalemint:** um excuse me junhui

**Juicer2000:**...

**stalemint:** i have trademarked the word penetrate and all its variants  
 **stalemint:** pay up hoebag

**deoderantslut:** does no one care that i'm bleeding

**stalemint:** why the fuck are you bleeding in the middle of the night tf is wrong with you

**Juicer2000:** jihoon suicide is never the answer  
 **Juicer2000:** i know that being a teen mom is hard but you're better than this  
 **Juicer2000:** i know a guy who can help

**deoderantslut:** I THINK I MAY HAVE JUST ACCIDENTALLY BROKE MY DICK

**itsbritneybitch:** what  
 **itsbritneybitch:** how

**stalemint:** HOLY SHIT WHAT IS YOUR DICK BLEEDING

**deoderantslut:** i can't believe it

**Juicer2000:** sigh

**deoderantslut:** i am going to bleed to death through my glans  
 **deoderantslut:** i want u all to wave dildos at my funeral in the memory of what i had five minutes ago

**stalemint:** how did this happen what the actual fuck

**itsbritneybitch:** maybe jihoon tried to give himself a circumcision

**Juicer2000:** for better penetration™

**stalemint:** junhui u just made my day  
 **stalemint:** its nice to know that my business is appreciated

**deoderantslut:** fuck its still bleeding

**itsbritneybitch:** shall i call an ambulance

**deoderantslut:** no its okay i'll put a bandaid on it

**itsbritneybitch:** jihoon dont put a bandaid on ur dick r u stupid

**stalemint:** right im going to go and see for myself i can't imagine what this looks like

**Juicer2000:** keep us updated Soonie  
 **Juicer2000:** shall i tell someone

**deoderantslut:** lets see if i die first hold on

**stalemint:** OH  
 **stalemint:** OH OH OH  
 **stalemint:** WOW- I- OK  
 **stalemint:** HOLY SHIT

**\- Juicer2000** _sent an audio file:_ **"** **snippy snippy Hoonie's dickie"** **_-_ **

**Juicer2000:** snip snip snip there goes ur dick

**deoderantslut:** :(

**stalemint:** ok its stopped bleeding can u touch it   
 **stalemint:** in the most pg way possible bc if i get a boner ur dick will hurt too much to fuck  
 **stalemint:** lmao Jihoons crying bc it hurts

**itsbritneybitch:** wowowow

**stalemint:** actually no i feel rly bad  
 **stalemint:** awe :'((

**deoderantslut:** + _Juicer2000_ snip snip there goes yours if u dont shut up

**stalemint:** ok, uh

**itsbritneybitch:** jihoon srsly r u ok

**Juicer2000:** of course he's not, not only is his dick going to have a nasty ass scab on it but now he can't fap  
 **Juicer2000:** sry hoon

**deoderantslut:** i am actually in a lot of pain i think i may have to go to the hospital

**itsbritneybitch:** what

**stalemint:** oh yeah

**Juicer2000:** wait what 

**deoderantslut:** i might get an infection bc of peeing

**stalemint:** lmao  
 **stalemint:** shall i take u to the hospital

**deoderantslut:** yes

**Juicer2000:** okay bye dont update me on nurses touching jihoon thx

01:10

**stalemint:** update - the doctors dont actually know what to do

**itsbritneybitch:** lol

**stalemint:** they offerred stitches but Jihoon cried so...  
 **stalemint:** you know what  
 **stalemint:** would it be easier just to have him circumcised

**itsbritneybitch:** idk i'll look it up

01:23

**deoderantslut:** im very cranky dont talk to me when we get home

**Juicer2000:** whats the prognosis

**deoderantslut:** u sound like a twat

**stalemint:** me and Jihoon r going to use antieptic cream  
 **stalemint:** and the nurses at the hospital have banned sex

**itsbritneybitch:** oh so that's why jihoon is cranky lmao

**Juicer2000:** we never heard the story of why this happened

**deoderantslut:** :((

**stalemint:** im curious

**deoderantslut:** i dropped my razor when i was shaving

**itsbritneybitch:**... you dropped your razor onto ur dick?

**deoderantlut:** yes

**Juicer2000:** this is gold you're never living this down jihoon

**deoderantslut:** no hyung please my family can't know

**stalemint:** shit is someone in the front room?

**Juicer2000:** chan and jeonghan r tweeting each other from the same account to see if Twitter deletes them  
 **Juicer2000:** why?

**stalemint:** Jihoon u need to put ur penis back into ur pants

**itsbritneybitch:**...

**deoderantslut:** no please

**Juicer2000:** its ok Jihoon it was like that when u guys left

**deoderantslut:** no it wasn't

**Juicer2000:** oh

**itsbritneybitch:** i'll text jeonghan and chan to leave  
 **itsbritneybitch:** i'll tell them u guys r going to have kinky living room sex

**stalemint:** i have never been more glad that no one in this group likes voyeurism

 

 

 

**A Family :D**   
_Babysitter, Roombamama, Slipper, Juicer2000, stalemint, itsbritneybitch, deoderantslut, hipbone,  
PussySlayer69, Kwannie, Mixtape, fifty_

11:21

**Roombamama:** jihoon why are you hobbling

**deoderantslut:** i don't know what you're talking about I always walk like a pirate

**Roombamama:** -_-

**Juicer2000:** jihoon almost bled to death because of a DIY circumcision

**Roombamama:** what

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is short and gross but honestly same  
> (also copy and paste the link soonyoung sends i promise it's worth it)  
> also this isn't mpreg its just jihoon being exasperated ok

**A Family :D  
** _Babysitter, Roombamama, Slipper, Juicer2000, stalemint, itsbritneybitch, deoderantslut, hipbone, naenae, PussySlayer69, Kwannie, Mixtape, fifty_

18:34

 

**Juicer2000:** so yeah basically don't forget to buy condoms bc I haven't been tested for STDs yet <3  
**Juicer2000:** oh fuck

**fifty:** is this just in general  
**fifty:** because I've seen fifty shades of grey so I'm pretty much a sex expert  
**fifty:** don't mind me

**PussySlayer69:** channie sweetheart not everyone has a sex dungeon

**fifty:** lies 

**Slipper:** I can't believe my life has gotten to a point where I log onto the group chat and someone called pussy slayer 69 is arguing with an eighteen year old boy about sex dungeons

**hipbone:** it's okay hyung they do this a lot  
**hipbone:** arguing I mean  
**hipbone:** not talking about sex dungeons

**deoderantslut:** I think I just almost had an orgasm

**Slipper:** it's like u guys want me to leave

**naenae:** lmao logang for life B) XD lolzor

**PussySlayer69:** mingyu kys

**naenae:** oh i see you're a jake pauler

**PussySlayer69:** you know what i hope u get locked in his damn nasty house and starve to death

**deoderantslut:** having a fucking scab on my penis is stopping me from having sex  
**deoderantslut:** and I was brushing my teeth  
**deoderantslut:** and Soonyoung walks in like the self-entitled, masturbating prick he is  
**deoderantslut:** and calls me 'baby'  
**deoderantslut:** ngl I moaned 

**stalemint:** I can confirm that he did that

**Juicer2000:** jihoon thats disgusting  
**Juicer2000:** its only been a week

**deoderantslut:** i have to go and see my parents in a few days

**hipbone:** rip in pieces jihoon

**Slipper:** have fun don't forget to tell them about the baby

**stalemint:** what now

**naenae:** minghao ur just jealous that logan-oppa saranged me before you

**PussySlayer69:** I'm not sure if you're being serious or not

**naenae:** jake paul oppa i srang u -3-

**\- PussySlayer69** _renamed_ **'naenae' : PaulBrothersAreMyOppas -**

**PaulBrothersAreMyOppas:** ahhahsabdiufnewofcmpompfm

**deoderantslut:** is mingyu having an orgasm at the thought of his oppas

**PussySlayer69:** yes

**stalemint:** _+Slipper: have fun don't forget to tell them about the baby_  what fucking baby  
 **stalemint:** guys??

**Slipper:** i cannot believe you forgot about your son

**stalemint:** what??? Jihoon??? Help??? Someone???  
 **stalemint:** WHY THE FUCK-

**PaulBrothersAreMyOppas:** :(

**stalemint:** OH MY GO D WHEN DID I GET A SON I'M GENUINELY CONFUSED

**Slipper:** SOONYOUNG HOW CAN YOU FORGET YOUR OFFSPRING ??????

**stalemint:** I TRY TO FORGET MY MISTAKES OK

**Roombamama:** wow congrats Soonyoung

**stalemint:** I- WHAT?!

**Roombamama:** becoming a parent is a big step for you  
 **Roombamama:** I'm v proud

**stalemint:** siri can men have babies no siri dont send that no what shut up damn stupid siri apple phone piece of shit applesauce meatballs ikea flatpack funny scissors where is the nearest church  
  
 **PussySlayer69:** this is fucking hysterical

**stalemint:** IT SAYS THAT SOME MEN CAN HAVE BABIES  
 **stalemint:** WAIT NO

**PaulBrothersAreMyOppas:** i'm in tears

**stalemint:** JIHOON ARE YOU TRANSGENDER

**deoderantslut:** no? what are you talking about? I just went to get a sandwich

**PussySlayer69:** cravings, right?

**deoderantslut:** yeah i guess i was craving bread

**stalemint:** WHAT THE FUCK CRAVINGS ARE A SYMPTOM OF PREGNANCY JIHOON STAY WHERE YOU ARE

**deoderantslut:** what

**stalemint:** https://www.googleadservices.com/pagead/aclk?sa=L&ai=DChcSEwiwnPrAvqrXAhWkFtMKHa1qBA8YABAHGgJ3Yg&ae=1&ohost=www.google.co.uk&cid=CAESEeD2gx2HoEk-5uBdBV-qOY0Q&sig=AOD64_34G6pWAgR52u-eQIBrhCKOQF1VNw&ctype=5&q=&ved=0ahUKEwiH3fPAvqrXAhVM2hoKHSIAAmcQ9aACCDE&adurl=http://clickserve.dartsearch.net/link/click%3Flid%3D92700027791142617%26ds_s_kwgid%3D58700003526559345%26ds_s_inventory_feed_id%3D97700000002475167%26%26ds_e_adid%3D229677716306%26ds_e_matchtype%3Dsearch%26ds_e_device%3Dc%26ds_e_network%3Dg%26ds_e_product_group_id%3D327791240633%26ds_e_product_id%3D10173391%26ds_e_product_merchant_id%3D1331859%26ds_e_product_country%3DGB%26ds_e_product_language%3Den%26ds_e_product_channel%3Donline%26ds_e_product_store_id%3D%7Bproduct_store_id%7D%26ds_url_v%3D2%26ds_dest_url%3Dhttp://www.boots.com/clearblue-advanced-fertility-monitor-touch-screen-monitor-10173391%3Fcm_mmc%3Dbmm-_-Google%2BBoots%2BPLAs-_-BAU-_-C%3D%5B*Campaign*%5D_%5B*Adgroup*%5D%26gclid%3DCj0KCQiArYDQBRDoARIsAMR8s_Tja5JEkp467Sv53HZgA-2ynDC8Znrtg47qg0r-7_BQOgJu5kDN6p8aAtM5EALw_wcB

**PussySlayer69:** I THINK I AM GOING TO GIVE MYSELF AN ASTHMA ATTACK FROM LAUGHING

**stalemint:** DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTORS

**deoderantslut:** can someone please explain what's going on

**PaulBrothersAreMyOppas:** jihoon ur prengant

**deoderantslut:** huh?

 

 

**96 backwards is 69 ;))))  
** _PussySlayer69, PaulBrothersAreMyOppas, Hipbone_

18:54

**PaulBrothersAreMyOppas:** no minghao please you're better than this

**PussySlayer69:** wow i love playing pranks that go too far

**hipbone:** both of you deserve death

**PussySlayer69:** shut up seokmin you're the only horse that no one wants to ride

**hipbone:** :'(

 

 

**A Family :D  
** _Babysitter, Roombamama, Slipper, Juicer2000, stalemint, itsbritneybitch, deoderantslut, hipbone, PaulBrothersAreMyOppas, PussySlayer69, Kwannie, Mixtape, fifty_

19:01

**deoderantslut:** soonyoung why are you screaming

**stalemint:** IM NOT READY FOR A BABY I'M STANDING IN THE QUEUE FOR MCDONALDS SOBBING INTO MY PHONE SCREEN

**hipbone:** no i changed my mind everyone can live this is fucking hysterical

**PussySlayer69:** its ok hyung we can chip in to buy baby stuff

**Roombamama:** i can be the godmother + the grandma + the aunts

**Babysitter:** jeonghan what are you doing

**Roombamama:** Jihoon and Soonyoung r expecting a baby

**Babysitter:** oh

**stalemint:** FUCK HYUNG HELP IM CRYING IN MCDONALDS

**Babysitter:** _oh_

**Kwannie:**...?

**Juicer2000:** ur gonna be a... actually idk

**Kwannie:** hold on why are soonyoung and jihoon expecting a baby

**hipbone:** that's what happens when u have sex seungkwan

**Kwannie:** oh well congrats ig

**deoderantslut:** sigh

**stalemint:** SHIT HOW MUCH DO HOSPITAL FEES COST FOR MIDWIVES

**Babysitter:** oh

**Roombamama:** dw we can have an all natural home birth

**stalemint:** THATS NOT SFAE T-T

**deoderantslut:** soonyoung stop

**PaulBrothersAreMyOppas:** IM WHEEXING

**PussySlayer69:** uhhhhhhh can i get a motherfucking baby

**Juicer2000:** IM ON THE FLOOR OW OW OW LMAO

**deoderantslut:** someone help me out here

**Mixtape:** why

**deoderantslut:** hansol help they all think i'm pregnant

**Mixtape:** oh really?

**deoderantslut:** yeah

**Mixtape:** congrats hyung :)

**\- Mixtape** _renamed the chat:_ **Jihoon + Soonyoung = baby :) -**

**deoderantslut:** i'm joining Twice fucking watch me

**stalemint:** NO BABE DON'T U NEED MEDICAL CARE

**Babysitter:** sngyng clam dwon

**Kwannie:** sorry what was that hyung

**Babysitter:** has anyone taken a pregnancy test

**PussySlayer69:** yes i was there and i am a reliable source 100% clearblue is shaking

**deoderantslut:** i want to DIE

**\- deoderantslut** _sent an audio:_ **"ya'll can likey likey on my fucking grave imma blast outta here"-**

**stalemint:** :-: sry jihoon im not ready

**deoderantslut:** soonyoung there is no baby

**Slipper:** jihoon why r u keeping this information from the public

**deoderantslut:** i am not pregnant

**stalemint:** r u sure

**deoderantslut:** yeah

**stalemint:** but did u take a test

**deoderantslut:** no because i'm obviously not pregnant

**Roombamama:** lies i saw jihoon looking through baby catalogs

**deoderantslut:** wow jeonghan this is literally the only thing you've said this whole day that isn't a lie

**stalemint:** what 

**deoderantslut:** babies r cute ok spare me

**stalemint:** ok but i'm still crying ur all mean to me :^(

**PussySlayer69:** WELCOME BACK TO DRAMAALERT! TODAY'S EPISODE: JIHOON PREGNANCY SCANDAL AND SOONYOUNG IS A GULLIBLE PRICK

**PaulBrothersAreMyOppas:** omfg


	4. Chapter 4

**A Family :D  
** _Babysitter, Roombamama, Slipper, Juicer2000, stalemint, itsbritneybitch, deoderantslut, hipbone, PaulBrothersAreMyOppas, PussySlayer69, Kwannie, Mixtape, fifty_

21:09

**PussySlayer69:**  lemme get uhhh boneless pizza

**hipbone:** sorry what

**PussySlayer69:** wit a 2 liter of coke

**Slipper:** oh yeah minghao how is your back?

**Mixtape:** fuck kinda pizza  
 **Mixtape:** and 2liter machine broke we got 1l though

**PussySlayer69:** fuck you mean b

**hipbone:** someone explain what's going on thanks

**PussySlayer69:** aight look lemme get that pizza boneless

**Mixtape:** uh? pizza dont got bone on it

**PussySlayer69:** tf did i just say then

**Mixtape:** u said  
 **Mixtape:** lemme get it boneless like pizza got a damn bone on it

**PussySlayer69:** y'all got bones in ya shit then

**Mixtape:** nah

**Slipper:** i'm really confused

**PussySlayer69:** what's the problem

**Mixtape:** d i c k h e a d  
 **Mixtape:** name one pizza that's got bone on it

**PussySlayer69:** just dont put them shits in my pizza bruh  
 **PussySlayer69:** how many times i gotta say it

**hipbone:** hao how is ur back

**Mixtape:** bruh just explain to be how tf pizza can be boneless

**PussySlayer69:** if it dont got bone in it  
 **PussySlayer69:** iss boneless

**Mixtape:** son what school you go to

**PussySlayer69:** dawg i dont understand the problem

**Slipper:** DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND

**PussySlayer69:** just make my shit B O NE L E S S DEADASS

**Mixtape:** im deadass not making this pizza

**hipbone:** minghao how is ur back

**PussySlayer69:** my back is B ONE L E SS

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my son's back is bad :(


	5. Chapter 5

**stalemint** _added_ **PaulBrothersAreMyOppas, deoderantslut, hipbone, Roombamama** _and_ **Juicer2000** _to a chat_  
**stalemint** _renamed the chat:_ **pipe squad**

 

**stalemint:** you know what i was thinking this morning

**PaulBrothersAreMyOppas:** stop for just a moment  
**PaulBrothersAreMyOppas:** because the last time you did this  
**PaulBrothersAreMyOppas:** you went into graphic detail about Jihoon's nipples

**deoderantslut:** I was exposed. Again.

**stalemint:** what if every vein in my body was replaced with a pipe

**Juicer2000:** soonyoung no

**Roombamama:** soonyoung yes

**stalemint:** i'm serious

**hipbone:** please don't hurt us like this i beg of you

**Juicer2000:** hold on this is a new chat

**Roombamama:** I'm honored to be added to this chat  
**Roombamama:** but i'm not here to talk about veins

**hipbone:** y'all i just ate some  l i t  sushi

**deoderantslut:** can i leave

**PaulBrothersAreMyOppas:** ^^^

**stalemint:** AS I WAS SAYING

**hipbone:** b quiet snoogyung i want to talk about my sushi

**stalemint:** o k  ;-;

**Juicer2000:** mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmm

**deoderantslut:** yes satan i promise i didn't summon you on purpose

**Roombamama:** this was a mistake

**hipbone:** so i bought some yummy ass raw fish plus rice

**deoderantslut:** oh wow i wish you guys cared this much about me

**hipbone:** A N Y W A Y

**Juicer2000:** never gonna give you up  
 **Juicer2000:** never gonna let you down

**hipbone:** A  N  Y  W  A  Y    H  O  E  S

**stalemint:** :(

**hipbone:** i think i lost my virginity to that sushi

**Roombamama:** what fucking virginity now

**deoderantslut:** bye seokmin see u in hell :)))

**Roombamama:** r u telling me my son is a virgin

**stalemint:** the tables have turned bitches

**Roombamama:** u and Chan have always been my favorites anyway  
 **Roombamama:** i remember the day u were conceived

**Juicer2000:** t h a t  i s  q u i t e  e n o u g h

**hipbone:** yes well now i am friends with benefits with this sushi roll

**deoderantslut:** "It's not a phase mom"  
 **deoderantslut:** sorry but it seemed appropriate

**hipbone:** jihoon u were imaginary boyfriends with the main character from Hyouka for a year

**deoderantslut:** touche

**Juicer2000** _has renamed deoderantslut:_ **GayestAnimeBoi**

**GayestAnimeBoi:** please don't call me this fucking shithole of a name

**hipbone:** WAHT'S DONE IS DONE FUCKERS

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ew lmao this is literally just an excuse for satan itself to become embodied in a fic


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm literally embodying my ADHD in a fic lmfao this is lowkey depressing

**A Family :D  
** _Babysitter, Roombamama, Slipper, Juicer2000, stalemint, itsbritneybitch, deoderantslut, hipbone, PaulBrothersAreMyOppas, PussySlayer69, Kwannie, mixtape, fifty_

00:01

**hipbone:** ITS MONDAY GET UR ASSES UP FOLKS WE GOTTA BLAST OFF TO WORK

**Babysitter:** can i ever sleep for more than FIVE SECONDS p l e a s e Seokmin stfu i'm tired and angsty

**Juicer2000:** well i'm horny  
 **Juicer2000:** maybe we can all help each other out? :)

**fifty:**...

**Juicer2000:** wait no

**hipbone:** help ur damn self u diddly darn dipshit

**Babysitter:** seokmin r u okay please say yes

**hipbone:** idek anymore cheol

**fifty:** i'm going back to bed  
 **fifty:** Y OU S H O U L D TOOOOOO  
 **fifty:  
**

**Babysitter:** that's it chan you're going on child restriction hand over the iPad

**Fifty** _has left the group_

**Juicer2000:**  lmao good thinking channie

**Roombamama:** can yall shut the fuck up  
 **Roombamama:** also seungcheol come back to bed you fucker  
 **Roombamama:** me and jisoo r cold and ur like a human radiator

**hipbone:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**Roombamama:** i'll put you on mute kiddo

**hipbone:** sorry :(

**Slipper:** :^(  
 **Slipper:** my eyes fucking burn ouch

**deoderantslut:** where the fuck is chan i need to kill him

**Kwannie:** no jihoon please he's like half our branding we need him for sales

**Babysitter:** rightio time for bed kids

**Roombamama:** -_-

**stalemint:** but dad

**deoderantslut:** who are you talking to

**mixtape:** :0

**stalemint:** this entire chat is like touching the oven, realizing it's hot, and touching it again while drinking bleach

**Roombamama** _has put_ **stalemint** _on mute_

**deoderantslut:**  excuse me bitch

**Roombamama** _has put_ **deoderantslut** _on_ _mute_  
 **Unknown Number has joined the chat**

**Unknown Number:** jokes on you guys i have another acc 

**Roombamama:** i quit the foster system can have u guys

**Roombamama** _has changed their name to:_ **PlainPieceOfPrinterPaper**

**Juicer2000:** welcome to hell


	7. Christmas Pt.1 (feat. 97 line and Taehyung)

**Mingyu** _added_   **Seokmin, Minghao, Jeongguk**   _and_ **Kunpimook  
Mingyu** renamed the chat: **Cool Pranking Group :)**

00:02

**Jeongguk:** who are we pranking? Xx

 **Minghao:** Guk  
**Minghao:** you don't have to put kisses at the end of your messages  
**Minghao:** you're not texting Jin

 **Jeongguk:** Sorry Xx.

 **Kunpimook:** sigh

 **Mingyu** _changed their name to_ **Tol**  
**Minghao** _changed Kunpimook to_ **Dab**  
**Dab** _changed Minghao to_ **WhipNaeNae**  
**Seokmin** _changed their name to_ **Socknim**

 **Tol:** so i have made this amazing new group

 **Socknim:** yes, mingyu, we realised

 **Dab:** You're doing great sweetie

 **Jeongguk:** Lol Xx

 **Tol:** Guk u text like my mom

 **Jeongguk:** Haha, good one! Xx

 **WhipNaeNae:** o h my go d

 **Jeongguk:** Why are we on this group? Xx  
**Jeongguk:** Jimin thinks that you're trying to flirt with me, Mingyu! Lol! Xx

 **Dab** _removed_ **Jeongguk** _from the group_

 **Dab:**  ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **WhipNaeNae:** what a poor kid  
**WhipNaeNae:** he tries to hard to fit in with the cool kids :'(

 **Tol:** poor 'Guk

 **Socknim:** this might be bullying I don't want Jeonghan to yell at me 

 **Dab:** wow y'all are so scared of your mother lmao

 **Socknim** added **Jeongguk** to the chat

 **Jeongguk:** Hello :) Xx

 **Jeongguk** _added_ **Yugyeom**  
**Jeongguk** _changed Yugyeom to_ **Oreo_Birthday_cake11659**

 **Oreo_Birthday_cake11659:** jeongguk why did u put numbers on my username

 **Jeongguk:** I worried that someone else might have taken it!! X

 **WhipNaeNae:** boi this isn't movie star planet ffs

 **Oreo_Birthday_cake11659** changed their name to **Jugyoom**

 **Jugyoom:** this is better :D

 **Tol:** so, as i was saying, all that time ago, i started this group so that we can prank my members  
**Tol:** they treat chan like more of a grown up!

 **Socknim:** ^^ they do

 **WhipNaeNae:** they think that we are dumb

 **Jeongguk:** Oh dear! Xx - Jeongguk  <3

 **Jugyoom:** jesus, guk

 **Dab:** okay

 **Tol:** I was thinking that we could go in age order  
**Tol:** Youngest to oldest because the older a member is, the less chill they are

 **WhipNaeNae:** he's just scared that Jihoon's going to hit him. Hard. Like last time.

 **Socknim:** mingyu had a fucking handprint on his back and Jeonghan yelled at Jihoon until he cried

 **Dab:** what's the name of this drama

 **Jeongguk:** Lmao  
**Jeongguk:** (It's Tae btw)

 **Tol:** Taehyung? 

 **Jeongguk:** I'm typing for Guk bc his texting is v embarrassing

 **Dab:** thank you 

 **Jeongguk:** np :)

 **Socknim:** how are we going to prank channie

 **Jugyoom:** replace his water bottle with a bottle of vinegar  
**Jugyoom:** at a fansign

 **WhipNaeNae:** Yugyeom, I think I love you

 **Jeongguk:** Junhui is shaking somewhere

 **WhipNaeNae:** he can shake

 **Jeongguk:** :0

 **Socknim:** Right I'm going to swap out his bottle in the fridge now while everyone is out  
**Socknim:** I'm still pissed that y'all left me alone in the dorm  
**Socknim:** I'm tempted to switch out your waterbottles too

 

* * *

 

 

 **A Family :D  
** _Babysitter, Roombamama, Slipper, Juicer2000, stalemint, itsbritneybitch, deoderantslut, hipbone, PaulBrothersAreMyOppas, PussySlayer69, Kwannie, mixtape, fifty_

14:21

**fifty:**  do y'all wanna die

 **stalemint:** no thanks kid

 **hipbone:** what's going on?

 **fifty:** i just spat vinegar all over jihoon

 **deoderantslut:** fucking kids and their addictions  
**deoderantslut:** first it was that runny road game or something

 **Babysitter:** *crossy road

 **deoderantslut:** then it was the fifty shades of grey fanfictions  
**deoderantslut:** now you're drinking fucking vinegar

 **fifty:** I SWEAR I WASN'T THE ONE WHO ADDED JIKOOK TO YOUR WATTPAD LIBRARY LET IT GO HYUNG DON'T BE SALTY LIKE THIS

 **deoderantslut:** shutupshutupshutupshutup

 **mixtape:** wait jihoon hyung has a wattpad account? lmao

 **stalemint:** ...?

 **fifty:** THE VINEGAR STILL BURNS OWOWOWOOWOWOWOWOOW

 

* * *

 

 

 **Cool Pranking Group :)  
** _Tol, socknim, WhipNaeNae, Dab, Jeongguk, Jugyoom_

21:23

**Dab:** you guys should do 98 line tomorrow  
**Dab:** take it an age group at a time yanno

 **Socknim:** yeah we should !

 **Jeongguk:** :) Xx

 **WhipNaeNae:** oh no

 **Jeongguk:** jk it's Tae

 **Jugyoom:** phew 

 **Tol:** i'm already planning ahead  
**Tol:** I'm going to take all of Jihoon-hyung's trousers/jeans/etc.  
**Tol:** and wonwoo's video games console

 **Jeongguk:** r.i.p. when Jihoon finds out that he has no clothes

 **Socknim:** he's kind of insane he might just get on with the day anyway  
**Socknim:** remember when he made his dick bleed and even went to a live performance?

 **Dab:** wasn't he too embarrassed to talk to the hospital staff?

 **Tol:** kind of lmao

 **Jeongguk:** Guk says to fill him in on Saturday bowling

 **Tol:** Will do

 **WhipNaeNae:** ALRIGHT EVERYONE TIME FOR BED! CHOP CHOP WE HAVE MEMBERS TO MAKE MISERABLE TOMORROW

 **Jeongguk:** Good night! :)

 **Tol:** Sleep loose motherfuckers

 **Dab:** sleep loose?

 **Tol:** the opposite of sleep tight

 **Socknim:** leave this groupchat mingyu

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this in one sitting and it took a disturbing turn whoops

**A Family :D  
** _Babysitter, Roombamama, Slipper, Juicer2000, stalemint, itsbritneybitch, deoderantslut, hipbone, PaulBrothersAreMyOppas, PussySlayer69, Kwannie, mixtape, fifty_

09:21

**Babysitter:**  u know fucking what

 **hipbone:** no i do not please explain oh great one

 **Babysitter:** i do so damn much 4 u guys  
**Babysitter:** and u pull shit like this on me  
**Babysitter:** this is really too much to handle

 **stalemint:**???

 **Babysitter:** im having such an awful day and everything just gets worse when u all turn up

 **deoderantslut:** Ur not being very kind to us

 **itsbritneybitch:** I'm genuinely concerned.

 **mixtape:** everything okay Cheol?

 **Babysitter:** NOTHING IS OK

 **Slipper:** i think we have all established that

 **mixtape:** aight

 **hipbone:** seungcheol did you take drugs

 **Babysitter:** u piece of shit fucker asshole fleabag

 **hipbone:** :(

 **Slipper:** whoa there

 **deoderantslut:** ...

 **Roombamama:** guys i'm trying to buy socks why is cheollie having a mental breakdown

 **fifty:** what's the name of this drama

 **stalemint:** jump off a bridge chan

 **Babysitter:** ur all awful

 **PussySlayer69:** uhm

 **Slipper:** wtf

 **Kwannie:** 0.o

 **PaulBrothersAreMyOppas:** take a chill pill my dude

 **Babysitter:** who ate my fucking cereal you know how i feel about keeping secrets in this household

 **Slipper** _has removed_   **Babysitter** _from the chat  
_

**Slipper:**  alright hoes own up

 **hipbone, PaulBrothersAreMyOppas, fifty, PussySlayer69, deoderantslut** _and_ **Juicer2000** _have left the_ chat  
**Slipper** _has added 7 people to the chat:_ **A Family :D**

 **Juicer2000:** oh no

 **hipbone:** 0-0

 **Slipper:** oh no indeed

 **deoderantslut:** ...sorry

 

 

 **Keeping up with the** **KarJoshians**  
_Slipper, deoderantslut, fifty, PussySlayer69, PaulBrothersAreMyOppas, hipbone, Juicer2000_

09:54 _  
_

**Slipper:** I'm not actually mad just pretend I am

 **fifty:** hyung no

 **Slipper:** chan i literally never have fun please spare me  
 **Slipper:** I played fucking jenga with vocal team   
 **Slipper:** do you know how boring it is to listen to Jihoon explain the rules??? No you do-fucking-not

 **deoderantslut:** hong jisoo

 **hipbone:** >:^(

 **deoderantslut:** do we need to have another 'talk'?

 **Slipper:** I AM OLDER THAN YOU

 **deoderantslut:** I AM BETTER THAN YOU

 **Juicer2000:** y'all getting wildt

 **PaulBrothersAreMyOppas:** i cant breathe this is too much

 **Slipper:** JIHOON U MUST RESPECT ME I DIDNT HEAR A HYUNG

**deoderantslut:** _YOU DON'T DESERVE A HYUNG_

**PussySlayer69:** ... tf

 **deoderantslut:** YOU HAVE DISRESPECTED ALL THE LEES IN THIS GROUP. THIS IS WAR.

 **Slipper:** FITE ME SHORTIE  
 **Slipper:** YOU CAN'T EVEN REACH MY KNEECAPS TO GET A HAND ON ME

 **hipbone:** jisoo-hyung see u in hell :')

 

 

**A Family :D  
** _Roombamama, Slipper. Juicer2000, stalemint, itsbritneybitch, deoderantslut, hipbone, PaulBrothersAreMyOppas, PussySlayer69, Kwannie, mixtape, fifty_

10:01

**deoderantslut:**  Soonyoung help me pack my stuff.   
  
 **stalemint:** :0  
 **stalemint:** are? u? leaving? Me? Alone?

 **deoderantslut:** Yes.

 **stalemint:** BUT WHY ;-;

 **deoderantslut:** It has to be this way.

 **Mixtape:** yo what the fuck

 **Roombamama:** Jihoon sweetie  
 **Roombamama:** you need to take care of Soonyoung  
 **Roombamama:** you know he's bad at being an adult

 **deoderantslut:** I suppose you can all look to Jisoo for the answers. I'll be on the other side of the country if you need me.

 **stalemint:** ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME JIHOON

 **deoderantslut:** You can come with me. 

 **stalemint:** i guess im leaving my dreams behind for love. 

 **Slipper:** ffs

 **deoderantslut:** Seokmin, Chan? I'm adopting you get in the car.

 **hipbone:** k lol

 **fifty:** ... is this the family I've always wanted? O th'nk the Lord above! Hark!

 **Juicer2000:** I'm going back to China lmfao

 **stalemint:** I HAVE TWO SONS HOW DOES IT FEEL JEONGHAN

 **Slipper:** oh no jihoon my favourite dongsaeng pls come back to my arms

 **deoderantslut:** Nope, try harder, asswipe. Soonyoung let's go, grab the kids.

 **hipbone:** lmao ive just got two dads

 **Kwannie:** The Kwon family?

 **Mixtape:** seungkwan we all know jihoon is a top get ready for Lee Soonyoung

 **Slipper:** gag

 

 

**The Lee Family  
** _deoderantslut, stalemint, hipbone, fifty_

10:12

**fifty:** take me to disney land

 **hipbone:** dont be a brat u were literally just adopted

 **fifty:** k

 **deoderantslut:** id just like to thank hansol for appreciating me being a top ill adopt him too

 **fifty:** SEUNGKWAN CAN BE MY BROTHER IN LAW PLS DAD

 **stalemint:** i'm uncomfortable about the fact that everyone knows so much about my sex life

 

 

**A Family :D  
** _Roombamama, Slipper, Juicer2000, stalemint, itsbritneybitch, deoderantslut, hipbone, PaulBrothersAreMyOppas, Kwannie, Mixtape, fifty_

10:27

 

**fifty** _has changed their name to_ **Lee Chan  
hipbone ** _has changed deoderantslut to_ **Lee Jihoon (dad 1)  
Lee Jihoon (dad 1) ** _has changed hipbone to_ **Lee Seokmin  
Lee Chan ** _has changed stalemint to_ **Lee Soonyoung (dad 2)**

**Lee Soonyoung (dad 2):** it's my family now bitches

 **Lee Chan:** yay dad

 **Juicer2000:** i hate all of you

 **Lee Seokmin** _has changed Roombamama to_ **Lee Jeonghan (grandmother)  
Lee Seokmin** _has changed Juicer2000 to_ **Lee Junhui (weird cousin)**  
 **Lee Soonyoung (dad 2)** _has changed itsbritneybitch to_ **Lee Wonwoo (uncle)**  
 **Lee Seokmin** _has changed PaulBrothersAreMyOppas_ to **Lee Mingyu (aunt)**  
 **Lee Jihoon (dad 1)** _has changed Kwannie to_ **Lee Seungkwan (son-in-law)**  
 **Lee Jihoon (dad 1)** _has changed Mixtape to_ **Lee Hansol (son)**  
 **Lee Seokmin** _has changed their name to_ **Lee Seokmin (son)**  
 **Lee Seokmin (son)** _has changed Lee Chan to_ **Lee Chan (son)**  
 **Lee Soonyoung (dad 2)** _changed PussySlayer69 to_ **Lee Myungho (cousin)**

 **Lee Mingyu (aunt):** I'm v uncomfortable

 **Lee Chan (son)** _added_ **Babysitter**  
 **Lee Chan (son)** _changed Babysitter to_ **Lee Seungcheol (grandfather)**

 **Lee Myungho (cousin):** wait lmao

 **Lee Myungho (cousin)** _changed Slipper to_ **Asshole Neighbor**

 **Asshole Neighbor:** i feel very attacked

 **Lee Jihoon (dad 1):** livin my life in busan with three kids a husband and various extended family  
 **Lee Jihoon (dad 1):** fucking asshole neighbor pulls up in his minivan  
 **Lee Jihoon (dad 1):** dont come near my family


	9. Christmas Pt 2

**Cool Pranking Group :)  
** _Tol, socknim, Dab, Jeongguk, WhipNaeNae, Jugyoom_

10:23

**Tol:** it's all systems go! 

**Jugyoom:** mingyu what the fuck  
**Jugyoom:**?????

**Socknim:** we're pranking hansol and seungkwan

**Jeongguk:** oh?

**Jugyoom:** hello tae

**Jeongguk:** morning friends

**Dab:** and how exactly are you pranking them?  
**Dab:** i've only met seungkwan once  
**Dab:** and he's kind of terrifying

**Tol:** yes he is

**WhipNaeNae:** sigh

**Tol:** but i'm preparing myself for jihoon so leave me alone thanks

**Dab** _added_ **Jaehyun  
Dab** _changed Jaehyun to_ **The_RealOppa**

**The_RealOppa:** hi

**Jugyoom:** hi 

**WhipNaeNae:** so basically we're going to take seungkwan and hansols phone  
**WhipNaeNae:** oh hi jaehyun

**The_RealOppa:** someone explain 

**Dab:** as you can see, we are the 'cool pranking group :)'  
**Dab:** so we are going to prank seventeen members

**The_RealOppa:** prepare for death lol

**Socknim:** thanks for the support

The_RealOppa: np xx

 

 

**A Family :D  
** _Lee Seungcheol (grandfather), Lee Jeonghan (grandmother), Asshole Neighbor, Lee Junhui (weird cousin), Lee Soonyoung (dad #2), Lee Wonwoo (uncle), Lee Jihoon (dad #1), Lee Seokmin (son), Lee Mingyu (aunt), Lee Myungho (cousin), Lee Seungkwan (son-in-law), Lee Hansol (son), Lee Chan (son)_

11:43

**Lee Jeonghan (grandmother):**  has anyone seen seungkwans phone he's about to have a tantrum

**Lee Soonyoung (dad #2):** no son in law of mine will be doing such a thing in this household

**Lee Chan (son):** ay whats up dad  
**Lee Chan (son):** i'm supposed to be getting hansol his phone but i cant find it

**Lee Jihoon (dad #1):** i'll help you :)

**Lee Myungho (cousin):** wow favoritism much

**Lee Soonyoung (dad #2):** shut up hoe >:-(

**Asshole Neighbor:**... who took 98 lines' phones  
**Asshole Neighbor:** dont mess with me

**Lee Wonwoo (uncle):** this chat makes me want to drown myself in seafood

**Lee Junhui (weird cousin):** but wonwoo... your allergic to seafood

**Lee Jihoon (dad #1):** *you're

**Lee Wonwoo (uncle):** please tell me im soonyoungs brother god please

 

**Cool Pranking Group :)  
** _Tol, Socknim, WhipNaeNae, Dab, Jeongguk, Jugyoom, The_RealOppa_

11:54

**Socknim:**  shall we prank 96 line now while they're out??

**WhipNaeNae:** we're calling this pranking but even jake paul could do better  
 **WhipNaeNae:** let's buy an expensive house on a private road  
 **WhipNaeNae:** leak the address to the public  
 **WhipNaeNae:** Empty the pool after putting various food items inside of it  
 **WhipNaeNae:** set our furniture on fire  
 **WhipNaeNae:** and make our neighbours miserable :)

**Dab:** Minghao you seem to be confusing the terms 'illegal' and 'fun'

**WhipNaeNae:** yes

**Jugyoom:** i feel unsafe

**Tol:** you'll get used to it

 

**A Family :D  
** _Lee Seungcheol (grandfather), Lee Jeonghan (grandmother), Asshole Neighbor, Lee Junhui (weird cousin), Lee Soonyoung (dad #2), Lee Wonwoo (uncle), Lee Jihoon (dad #1), Lee Seokmin (son), Lee Mingyu (aunt), Lee Myungho (cousin), Lee Seungkwan (son-in-law), Lee Hansol (son), Lee Chan (son)_

12:03

**Lee Jihoon (dad #1):**  sorry who was is charge of laundry this week

**Lee Seungcheol (grandfather):** chan and hansol  
 **Lee Seungcheol (grandfather):** but i think they paid 97 line to do it for them

**Lee Myungho (cousin):** jihoon why are you in the practice room only wearing boxers 

**Lee Seungkwan (son-in-law):** and the sarcastic hoodie we got you because chan said you looked like a little

**Lee Jihoon (dad #1):** someone put all of my jeans, sweatpants, trousers etc into the wash  
 **Lee Jihoon (dad #1):** i need to have a little talk with them

**Lee Soonyoung (dad #2):** YALL WHO STOLE MY VIAGRA

**Lee Hansol (son):** sorry what

**Lee Soonyoung (dad #2):** who stole my viagra

**Lee Jeonghan (grandmother):** soonyoung... why do you have viagra? Isn't that illegal or smthg

**Lee Soonyoung (dad #2):** the thief also stole my porn and usb

**Lee Jihoon (dad #1):** NONO they can't look att he usb

**Lee Junhui (weird cousin):** where r my sweets

**Lee Jeonghan (grandmother):** why would someone want tiny kids sized jeans, soonyoungs porn collection and viagra plus mystery usb, and sweets

**Lee Mingyu (aunt):** chan r u making a sex dungeon

**Lee Chan (son):** if i had known about the viagra i would have made one a long time ago buddy

**Lee Seungcheol:** chan don't call people buddy ure giving off the creepy uncle vibe

**Lee Wonwoo (uncle):** where r my V I D E O GAM E S

**Lee Soonyoung (dad #2)** _renamed the chat:_ **i'm being serious**

**Lee Junhui (weird cousin):** has anyone seen my kids bop CDs


	10. Christmas Pt.3

**Cool Pranking Group :)  
** _Tol, Socknim, Dab, Jeongguk, WhipNaeNae, Jugyoom, The_RealOppa_

13:21

**Dab:**  last christmas i gave you my dab  
**Dab:** but the very next day  
**Dab:** you naenae'd away

 **Tol:** owowowowoowowowowow my eyes

 **Jeongguk:** sorry what's going on

 **Socknim:** jihoon is in the practice room despite his lack of trousers  
**Socknim:** and soonyoung is oogling

 **WhipNaeNae:** *all of us

 **Jugyoom:** what

 **The_RealOppa:** calm ur gay asses down  
**The_RealOppa:** i just scrolled up please tell me he's got underwear on  
**The_RealOppa:** bc i tried to practice without underwear once and it was a v floppy situation

 **Jeongguk:**??????

 **Tol:** uHM

 **Socknim:** not to be a pervert but

 **WhipNaeNae:** stop in the name of memes

 **Socknim:** listen as an unmated gay i appreciate good ass

 **Dab:** he's literally dating your bestfriend

 **Socknim:** unless they're married nothing is legally binding

 **Jugyoom:** he is wearing boxers right

 **Tol:** yeah  
**Tol:** i'd rather skin myself than see his wrinkly ass penis

 **The_RealOppa:** i hate it here i want to escape this groupchat

 **WhipNaeNae:** minggu r we going to prank the oldies?

 **Tol:** later i think soonyoungs got a boner i need to intervene

 **Socknim:** i'll intervene :))))

 **Dab:** seokmin stay on the other side of the room from Jihoon

 

 **i'm being serious  
** _Lee Seungcheol (grandfather), Lee Jeonghan (grandmother), Asshole Neighbor, Lee Junhui (weird cousin), Lee Soonyoung (dad #2), Lee Wonwoo (uncle), Lee Jihoon (dad #1), Lee Seokmin (son), Lee Mingyu (aunt), Lee Myungho (cousin), Lee Seungkwan (son-in-law), Lee Hansol (son), Lee Chan (son)_

13:54

**Lee Junhui (weird cousin):** the clock is ticking where are we on those kids bop CDs

 **Lee Mingyu (aunt):** soonyoung please refrain yourself from having kinky practice room sex  
**Lee Mingyu (aunt):** you and jihoon never help clean the dorm u'll probably leave cum everywhere and me and the others will be cleaning it up

 **Lee Soonyoung (dad #2):** mingyu u don't understand!!1!

 **Lee Jihoon (dad #1):** soonyoung please stop groping me and pinching my thigh

 **Lee Seungkwan (son-in-law):** see soonyoung even ur husband is done with ur kinks

 **Lee Chan (son):** i've literally just walked in and soonyoung has a raging boner someone explain

 **Asshole Neighbor:** oh chan i'm so sorry it has to be like this

 **Lee Chan (son):** :((((

 **Lee Seungkwan (son-in-law):** ham is short for hamantha

 **Lee Mingyu (aunt):** i want to die. so much. so so much. 

 **Lee Junhui (weird cousin):** same

 

**Cool Pranking Group :)  
** _Tol, Socknim, Dab, Jeongguk, WhipNaeNae, Jugyoom, The_RealOppa_

14:12

**Socknim:**  i stole 95 lines shirts

 **WhipNaeNae:** seriously? when??

 **Socknim:** now

 **WhipNaeNae:** seokmin honey they're wearing them  
**WhipNaeNae:** they're at the vending machine and i can see you in the next room over

 **Socknim:** they're not at the vending machine

 **WhipNaeNae:** that's where they went??

 **The_RealOppa:** y'all are living in a matrix i say that this is the mandela effect ok glad we all agree on this 

 **Socknim:** no lol they went to have sex how are you so dumb

 **Tol:** :0

 **Jeongguk:** *collective gasp*

 **WhipNaeNae:** ah yes i just came in to prove you wrong and i can hear them

 **Socknim:** so i have stolen their shirts

 **Tol:** oh no  
**Tol:** i've lost the kinky bastard and his pint-sized boyfriend  
**Tol:** 95 line and them are probably having an orgy ew

 **Jugyoom:** you mean soonyoung and... and the little one

 **Tol:** yeah something like that

 **Dab:** um i have a confession

 **Jeongguk:** yesyesyesyesyes hi  
**Jeongguk:** it's actually kook btw  
**Jeongguk:** im now cool  
**Jeongguk:** jin taught me how to text

 **Socknim:** that's precious

 **Dab:** anyway

 **Jeongguk:** oh yes

 **The_RealOppa:** hit me with that tea

 **Dab:** so i may or may not have gotten soonyoungs number from a friend

 **Tol:** friend?

 **Dab:** well.  
**Dab:** kook knows seungcheol, who has soonyoungs number so

 **The_RealOppa:** omg u snake

 **Jugyoom:** loom bands are lit

 **Dab:** ANYWAY  
**Dab:** i have connections  
**Dab:** so i direced him to a friend of mine  
**Dab:** who just so happens to co-own a sex shop  
**Dab:** he wanted help spicing up the bedroom yanno  
**Dab:** gotta be there for a friend in need

 **Tol:** gag

 **Dab:** so  
**Dab:** he may or may not  
**Dab:** now be in possession of  
**Dab:** sexitemswhichhesellstotheothermembersmingyupleasedon'thurtme

**Tol** _has deleted and blocked_ **Dab** _from the group_

**Jeongguk:**  merry christmas fuckers

**Jin** _has joined the chat_

**Jin:**  >:(

 **WhipNaeNae:** ABORT MISSION ANGRY MOM FRIEND

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**A Family :D  
** _Lee Seungcheol (grandfather), Lee Jeonghan (grandmother), Asshole Neighbour, Lee Junhui (weird cousin), Lee Soonyoung (dad #2), Lee Wonwoo (uncle), Lee Jihoon (dad #1), Lee Seokmin (son), Lee Mingyu (aunt), Lee Myungho (cousin), Lee Seungkwan (son-in-law), Lee Hansol (son), Lee Chan (son)_

00:00

**Lee Jeonghan (grandmother):** fuck it 

 **Lee Jeonghan (grandmother)** _changed their name to_ **Gay**

 **Lee Seungkwan (son-in-law):** jeonghan you're going to fall off your seat when i tell u about this thing  
 **Lee Seungkwan (son-in-law):** so basically i was in a very important meeting with the CEO

 **Gay:** keep going sweaty i'm listening

 **Gay** _changed_ **Lee Seungkwan (son-in-law)** _to_ **Sweaty  
Gay **_changed_ **Lee Chan (son)** _to_ **Jeonghan's gay**

 **Lee Soonyoung (dad #2):** JEONGHAN DID YOU JUST STEAL MY SON

 **Sweaty:** hi soonyoung please be quiet for a minute

 **Lee Soonyoung (dad #2):**...

 **Sweaty:** and i heard this fucking inappropriate noise from beside me   
 **Sweaty:** so i looked over  
 **Sweaty:** and what the hell did i see

 **Gay:** I don't know what did you see

 **Sweaty:** THE WEIRD TRAINEE KID WAS JACKING OFF I'M SO UNCOMFORTABLE HELP

 **Jeonghan's gay:** yeah he's done that before lmfao  
 **Jeonghan's gay:** i was rly happy to be someone else's senior, so i thought that i should take him under my wing for a little  
 **Jeonghan's gay:** while he settled down, you know? because none of the other trainees were paying him much attention   
 **Jeonghan's gay:** he was interested in my time as a trainee and about our group dynamic

 **Gay:** that's heart touching now keep talking

 **Jeonghan's gay:** so i introduced myself one day, after we ran into each other   
 **Jeonghan's gay:** i thought that he was pretty nice, actually  
 **Jeonghan's gay:** kind of like when Jihoon-hyung pretended to have a soul when there were cameras around predebut

 **Lee Jihoon (dad #1):** ????  >:-(

**Sweaty** _changed_ **Lee Jihoon (dad #1)** _to_ ** >:-(**

**Jeonghan's gay:** he was well presented yada yada  
 **Jeonghan's gay:** he looked like an idol   
 **Jeonghan's gay:** well-structured face, good fashion sense. he looked after himself and was pretty outgoing. i get why Pledis chose him

 **Gay:** mhm please stop trying to set the scene and get into it 

 **Jeonghan's gay:** his name is haneul, and i used to know someone called that, so i assumed that he would be kind of like that

 **Sweaty:** chan  
 **Sweaty:** there's a jihoon in wanna one and hes much more appealing than ours  
 **Sweaty:** if jihoon tried to act like that jihoon everyone would think that he was taking some really strong drugs  
 **Sweaty:** heck there's a seungkwan in red velvet and she's more of a queen than me

 **Jeonghan's gay:** so we went out for coffee  
 **Jeonghan's gay:** in one of those little artisan places that serve your food on shovels and stuff because he's apparently into edgy stuff like that

 **> :-(:** lmao

 **Jeonghan's gay:** he was a little bit of a prick not gonna lie  
 **Jeonghan's gay:** but anyway  
 **Jeonghan's gay** : i went to the counter to get us coffee and when i came back he was waving me over from outside the window

 **Lee Soonyoung (dad #2):** me af

 **Jeonghan's gay:** and he said that he was kicked out because girls were swarming the shop? and i was like where are they, haneul?  
 **Jeonghan's gay:** so i went inside to apologise for the girls and stuff  
 **Jeonghan's gay:** and they were confused because apparently there weren't any girls and he was actually kicked out for watching porn and he got caught because his bluetooth earbuds disconnected 

 **Sweaty:** omg

 **Gay:** ok wtf this kid

 **Jeonghan's gay:** i should've asked him to hook me up with some good websites while i was at it

 **> :-( **_has put_ **Jeonghan's Gay** _on_ _child restriction._ ****  
_They can no longer send or receive messages with adult content._  
 _For more information visit the restrictions options in settings._

 **Jeonghan's:** omg it took the ' ' out of my username  
 **Jeonghan's:** omg

 **Sweaty:** wow good job jihoon

 **> :-(:** I try my best

 **Lee Soonyoung (dad #2):** i want a new and inventive username

 **Lee Junhui (weird cousin)** _changed_ **Lee Soonyoung (dad #2)** _to_ **SPAGET**

 **SPAGET:** wow thank you jun for this username that i do not understand

 **Lee Junhui (weird cousin):** PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR AND SCREAM BUTTOCKS

 **Sweaty:** ??

 **Sweaty** _has changed_ **Lee Junhui (weird cousin)** _to_ **SCREAM BUTTOCKS**

 **SCREAM BUTTOCKS:** 8=====D

 **> :-(:** i'll restrict you too, jun

 **SCREAM BUTTOCKS:** please mute me daddy  
 **SCREAM BUTTOCKS:** spank me because i've been a bad boy

 **> :-(:** I-

 **SCREAM BUTTOCKS:** PUNISH ME DADDY

 **SPAGET:** hands off bitch

 **SCREAM BUTTOCKS:** MMMHMMHMMHMMHH DAD

 **Gay:** junhui what the actual fuck

 **Lee Mingyu (aunt):** ..?  
 **Lee Mingyu (aunt):** i'm comfused why is the chat in total chaos  
 **Lee Mingyu (aunt):** and why is junhui being kinky

**SCREAM BUTTOCKS** _changed_ **Lee Mingyu (aunt)** _to_ **Justin Beiber**

**Justin Beiber:** omg what

 **SCREAM BUTTOCKS:** omg justin follow me on twitter my name is xXEatMyPussyJustin867Xx

 **Gay:** so here i am, in my groupchat. With deep regret. I bet you're wondering how I got here *record scratch*

 **SCREAM BUTTOCKS:** mmmhmhmhmh deeper daddy  
 **SCREAM BUTTOCKS:** MMHMHME EMH E3M3E ME3GR35G3IKM DADDYYYYYYYYYYY

 **Lee Wonwoo (uncle):** is jun broken

 **Lee Myungho (cousin):** yes. absolutely.

 **SCREAM BUTTOCKS:** dadadadaddadaddaddddddydyydydydydyyyydaddyadsadwsyhbdq

 **Gay** _changed_ **Lee Myungho (cousin)** _to_ **chicken nugget**  
 **Gay** _changed_ **Lee Wonwoo (uncle)** _to_ **best friend of the deceased**

 **best friend of the deceased:** who is the deceased again

 **SCREAM BUTTOCKS:** DA D    DY YY

 **best friend of the deceased:** oh yeah i get it now  
 **best friend of the deceased:** well this is oddly fufilling

 **chicken nugget:** how? is? this? fufilling?

 **> :-(:** wonwoo your best friend has been possessed by vernon's minecraft server   
 **> :-(:** how the every loving fuck  
 **> :-(:** are you fufilled???

 **Sweaty:** i'm so uncomfortable

 **best friend of the deceased:** see that's why is 'oddly' fufilled

 **SPAGET:** oh that's what i said after jihoon topped

00:23

**Gay:** you fucked up soonyoung omg it's been three minutes and everyone is still in scared silence

 **> :-(:** ...

 **SPAGET:** i didn't mean it pls dont hurt me  
 **SPAGET:** having ur dick in my ass was a lovely experience   
 **SPAGET:** it was a moment of pure bliss in my life

 **SCREAM BUTTOCKS:** hey soonyoung do you have a daddy kink

 **SPAGET:** oh i suddenly need to water my envelope bye

 **SCREAM BUTTOCKS:** ... jihoon? 

 **> :-(:** ...  
 **> :-(:** ...  
 **> :-(:** ...

 **c** **hicken nugget:**  OKAY WHO WANTS TO JOIN MY ROBLOX SERVER

 **Lee Seungcheol (grandfather):** sigh

 **SCREAM BUTTOCKS** _changed_ **Lee Seungcheol (grandfather)** _to_ **Sigh**

 **Sigh:** sigh

 **Lee Hansol (son):** someone change my name to something cool!! :)

 **Sigh** _changed_ **Lee Hansol (son)** _to_ **something cool!! :)**

 **something cool!! :):** that splintering sound? oh it's just my love and trust for those around me  
 **something cool!! :):** don't mind me taking my stuff and leaving  
 **something cool!! :):** i'll show myself to the door

 **Sweaty:** it's okay honey just don't be embarrassing again

 **SPAGET:** WHO TOUCH MY SPAGET

 **> :-(:** LEAVE THIS GROUPCHAT

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

**A Family :D  
** _Sigh, Gay, Asshole Neighbor, SCREAM BUTTOCKS, SPAGET, best friend of the deceased, >:-(, Lee Seokmin (son), Justin Beiber, chicken nugget, Sweaty, Something cool!! :), Jeonghan's _

14:56

**SPAGET:**  bitch your cum is salty as fuck  
**SPAGET:** holy shit   
**SPAGET:** it feels like i poured the ocean in my mouth what

 **Justin Beiber:** um soonyoung this is a christian server

 **SPAGET:** oh hi mingyu what are you doing on my messages with Jihoon?  
**SPAGET:** wait

 **Jeonghan's :** oh no 

 **SPAGET:** oh no indeed

 **Lee Seokmin (son):** holy shit

 **SPAGET** _changed_ **Lee Seokmin (son)** _to_ **lit lad**

 **lit lad:** having salty cum is not so lit my dude  
**lit lad:** _@ >:-(_  
**lit lad:** my prayers are with you  
**lit lad:** hope ur cum gets less salty over time, unlike you

 **Gay:** wow imagine if the flavor of your cum reflected your personality

 **SPAGET:** but 

 **> :-(: **what the fuck is going on here  
**> :-(: **soonyoung what the fuck

 **Something cool!! :):** the true forbidden snack is jihoons semen

 **> :-( ** _has put_ **Something cool!! :)** _on child restriction.  
They can no longer send or receive messages with adult content.   
_For more information visit the restrictions options in settings.__

 **> :-(:** fuck u hansol

 **best friend of the deceased:** ur all uncultured the true forbidden snack is mingyu   
**best friend of the deceased:** he looks all soft and edible   
**best friend of the deceased:** until he opens his mouth

 **SPAGET:** *general and most likely copyrighted gasp soundtrack plays* 

 **> :-(: **oh yeah this is why i'm with you  
**> :-(: **that's hot babe

 **SCREAM BUTTOCKS:** haha that relatable moment when your friends sext on the group chat and you throw yourself off a cliff

 **SPAGET:** bye lmao i'm going on private message

 **Gay:** my theory was wrong my cum too tastes salty

 **lit lad:** what

 **Sigh:** gag

 **SPAGET:** Fuck me  
**SPAGET:** omg no

 **Asshole Neighbor:** who ejaculated on my bedsheets

 **best friend of the deceased:** what  
**best friend of the deceased:** thats disgusting who would want to fuck somewhere that jisoo sleeps??

 **Asshole Neighbor:** shut your mouth  
**Asshole Neighbor:** i'm sure loads of people would love to have sex in my bed  
**Asshole Neighbor:** right?

 **> :-(: **at this point anywhere without a recording buttons sounds good

 **SPAGET:** I SAID I WAS SORRY

 **> :-(:** YOU ALSO SAID THAT IT WAS TURNED OFF

 **Sigh:** oh so that's why I got a call from the manager about responsible use of company property  
**Sigh:** yeah he was a little shocked when the 'demo' for the song was... whatever the fuck kind of noises yall make  
**Sigh:** in fact  
**Sigh:** he unfriended my mom on facebook

 **Gay:** dino nugu gay

 **Jeonghan's :** what

 **Gay:** DINO NUGU GAY

 **Jeonghan's :** i'm on restriction i cant  
**Jeonghan's :** plus i'm my own 

 **lit lad:** storytime my younger brother ran away from home

 **SPAGET:** omg chan come back to me, your real father

 **Jeonghan's :** soonyoung u wouldn't play fifa with me because u said that my face was disrupting ur sex life

 **SPAGET:** i don't remember this ever happening  
**SPAGET:** what sex life i haven't had one since i insulted Jihoon's topping skills  
**SPAGET:** i don't know a dick 

 **> :-(: **soonyoung do something sexy to redeem yourself 

 **lit lad:** ew

 **SPAGET:** hump me  
fuck me  
daddy better make me choke  
hump me  
fuck me  
my tunnel loves to deepthroat

lick lick lick lick  
i wanna eat your dick  
but i can't fuck up my nails

so imma pick it up with chopsticks

mouth wide open  
mouth wide open  
mouth wide open like i was at the dentists  
mouth wide open  
mouth wide open  
put it so deep i can't speak a sentence  
my fingers in it gentle  
explore this boy mental  
imma write my name on his dick  
don't need a pen or a pencil  
all i need is my body  
my pussy pink just like salami  
dont need no drink to get naughty

cause bitch i'm not bill cosby  
my pussy mean and it's clean  
I'm not a squirter I cream  
Keep it smellin' like baby wipes  
I never smell like sardines (Ew!)  
This will never fucking end.  
Ballerina that dick when I spin

I fucked this boy so good  
I ain't swallow one kid I think I swallowed twins!  
HUMP ME! FUCK ME!

Daddy betta make me choke.  
HUMP ME! FUCK ME!  
My tunnel loves a deepthroat.  
(It do)  
Lick, lick, lick, lick  
I wanna eat yo dick.  
But I can't fuck up my nails  
so Imma pick it up with chopsticks.  
Mouth wide open  
Mouth wide open  
Mouth wide open like I was at the Dentist  
Mouth wide open  
Mouth wide open  
Put it so deep I can't speak a sentence

Go and put it down my butt!  
Let's shoot a movie, no cuts.  
Ride the dick and my nipples licked  
that's breastfeedin' while we fuck.

Gonna get the dick wet and firm  
you betta sweat me out of my perm.  
Can't wait til' it's my turn  
I wanna blow bubbles with sperm.

wanna hit it from the back?  
Let me arch my back  
Once I arch my back that means attack this pussy  
Don't need no porn star cause I'm the moderin'.  
All my spit on his dick  
Sound like I'm garglin'.  
Make him bust 3 nuts is the task  
My panties stuck in my ass  
So I pulled them down to show him the pearl  
Made his pubic hairs grow fast.  
Fuck this pussy  
Fuck this pussy  
Fuck this pussy  
Come fuck this pussy  
Fuck this pussy  
Fuck this pussy  
Fuck this pussy  
Come fuck this pussy

 **> :-(: **yeah thats hot  
**> :-(: **bye lmao gotta change underwear

 **SCREAM BUTTOCKS:** bet you it was the daddy kink that got him

 **Gay:** nah it was the panties

 **SPAGET:**...

 **SCREAM BUTTOCKS:** soonyoung can you give us some firsthand insight

 **SPAGET:** one time he pinched my balls and we had to go to the pharmacist to ask for antiseptic creams that are safe for genitals  
**SPAGET:** but i guess it's all part of living and learning

 **SCREAM BUTTOCKS:** kinky

 **SPAGET:** yeah it was it made me cum lmfao

 **SPAGET** _has been removed from the group_


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a) i'm back lmfao what happened to me  
> b) this chapter is absolute shit i'm so sorRY

**A Family** :D  
_Sigh, Gay, Asshole Neighbor, SCREAM BUTTOCKS, best friend of the deceased, >:-(, lit lad, Justin Beiber, chicken nugget, Sweaty, Something cool!! :), Jeonghan's_

13:12

**Asshole Neighbor:** why is seungkwan crying

 **SCREAM BUTTOCKS:** i told him he was a happy meal  
**SCREAM BUTTOCKS:** i mean i thought that it was funny  
**SCREAM BUTTOCKS:** hansol didn't and now I have a bruised arm

 **Something cool!! :):** F  u-c @K' yea i punched u

 **Jeonghan's :** wow om  
**Jeonghan's :** i've just spent the last half an hour absent from choreo and no one has asked me where i am?? disgusting

 **Sigh:** sigh

 **lit lad:** channie where have you been? Xx

 **Jeonghan's :** i was singing in the shower and got that nasty ass shampoo in my mouth

 **lit lad:**...and?

 **Jeonghan's :** i swallowed it and panicked 

 **> :-(: **he started crying lol  
**> :-(:** i had to help him wash it out

 **Justin Beiber:** soonyoung has requested to be added to the groupchat again

 **Sweaty:**...

 **Justin Beiber:** rip me

 **Justin Beiber** _has added_ **K.S.young** _to the chat:_ **A Family :D**

 **K.S.young:** wuss popping jimbo

 **SCREAM BUTTOCKS:** leave

 **Jeonghan's :** can we all gang up on Soonyoung?

 **> :-(: **absolutely not. you will not do anything of the sort.

 **lit lad:** JIHOON AND SOONYOUNG SITTING IN A TREE  
K-I-S-S-I-N-G  
FIRST COMES LOVE  
THEN COMES MARRIAGE

 **> :-(: **no no no do not twist my words into something different  
**> :-(:** that's illegal

 **K.S.young:** wow :(

 **> :-(: **no no no  
**> :-(: **don't twist my words into something different

 **Sweaty:** moiweinonc9eun0e8jf0eimcpsdmcekf eff efeifeifekf  he[pep,fefnienfoa

 **Justin Beiber:** U wot m8


End file.
